Sex and Relationships

Dating Tips

  

When To Take a Break From Dating

Bonny Albo

If a Long Term Relationship Ended in the Past Six Months

Even if you didn't marry your former partner, long term relationships still take their toll when they end. Dating someone on the rebound right after another relationship is not only a mistake but it can lead to disaster, because most people are more vulnerable and needy than normal in the aftermath of a breakup. Instead, work through the stages of Dating Prep completely before thinking about dating again, which should take approximately six months of hard work for most people.

If Someone Close To You Has Recently Passed On

 

If you are already in a strong relationship when someone in your life passes, there is no reason to end things suddenly. However, if you've just started dating someone or are trying to meet new people when a loved one dies, it may be better to take a dating break for at least a couple of months. Grief hits us all in different ways; allow yourself the time to really work through your loss, before getting involved with someone new.

If You Are Without a Job, House, or Both

Sure, things happen. People lose their jobs, move, quit, and relocate all the time. Still, if you don't have a place to call home or a steady source of income, its time to take a dating break. Focus on your immediate shelter and income needs for now, and soon enough you'll have the energy, space and money to invest in someone new.

If There Are Unresolved Addiction or Mental Health Issues Present

Unresolved is the key term for this specific dating break notation. If you are in therapy and have their consent, in recovery, or have beaten the odds and no longer suffer on a day-to-day basis from a mental health or addiction disorder, there is no reason to stop dating. However, if you are suicidal, haven't been taking medications prescribed by your doctor, or aren't actively working towards recovery, its time to start.

If You Are Separated But Not Divorced Yet

Separation is a challenge no matter what the individual circumstances. Trying to date someone new while managing a legal breakup with someone else positively is almost impossible. Give yourself at least a month for every year the two of you were together and/or married to work through the myriad of emotions you are facing before even thinking about dating again.

How to Start a Conversation with a Stranger to Get or Keep a Date

 Bonny Albo

You’ll probably run into many people throughout the course of your dating preparations that could be The One, but you’ll never know for sure unless you talk to them. Starting a conversation with a stranger can be daunting, but it doesn’t have to be impossible.

Every conversation runs its course within a similar outline: making first contact, introductions, speaking with each other, and then ending the conversation - hopefully with plans to meet again. To navigate these sometimes scary but usually rewarding waters, read on.

Ice Breakers as Conversation Starters

The purpose of breaking the ice with someone new isn’t to show off your amazing conversational skills. Instead, think of your initial contact as a way to show a potential date that you’d like to talk to them. Some conversation starter ideas to get the words flowing:

  • Comment on an item that you both share in your immediate surroundings, such as the long lineup you’re both waiting in or the wobbly chair next to you. By focusing an item you can both experience, you’re removing any potential awkwardness with a canned comment.

     
  • Sometimes a look is all that’s needed to break the ice. When faced with a person you find attractive, why not give them a genuine, 3 second smile? You may be surprised when the object of your happiness starts a conversation with you, instead.

     
  • If there is something the person is or has that truly intrigues you, simply use that as a conversation starter.
     This could be as simple as admiring a piece of clothing or asking them about the item they ordered.

     
  • A genuine hello coupled with a smile can be equally as effective. A quick, “How are you today?” works too for a straightforward follow up.

Conversation Topics

p]You’ve made first contact – now what? Conversation starters that seem witty or interesting can be a challenge in the spur of the moment. That’s why spending a little bit of time at home pondering the ‘now what’ will pay, later. You don’t need to invest hours into these conversation starters though. Some quick ideas that can work in a pinch:
  • Current event topics of interest to you;

     
  • The last movie you watched;

     
  • A comment about the event you’re attending, with a follow-up question asking how they heard about it.

The point of this exercise is to create a backup of topics that you can draw upon on a moment’s notice to start a conversation that would also be of interest to someone else

Keep the Conversation Moving Forward

Once the back and forth exchange has begun, it is your responsibility to keep the flow moving – which entails listening, responding and moving seamlessly between topics to create a connection.

For example: say the object of your affections intimated that they came to this particular coffee shop because a friend told them there was free WiFi access and they were excited to try the service out. A great segue to keep this conversation moving forward would be to ask where else they’ve found a good WiFi connection in town. For those not familiar with WiFi, you could ask what WiFi is and how it works.

In a nutshell, listen to what the person responds with and then think to yourself, “What do I know about those particular subjects?” Using the example again, you could easily discuss a myriad of things, such as where electrical plug-ins are located, the best place to sit while working on a laptop, or further inquiries about what kind of work they perform on their laptop.

Focus on taking your own experiences and weaving them in with the other person’s responses.

By doing so you’ll be forging a connection with the person, creating hooks of information with which to start a conversation at a later date. To ensure that you are actually conversing, and not just bantering back and forth in a quick succession of questions and answers, try to remember these key points:

  • Keep whatever stories or experiences you are sharing to less than a two minute retelling. You can always expand more if the person asks;
  • Turn the conversation back to the other person where you can, such as, “What do you think?” or, “How about you?”;
  • Try to let your conversation partner do half of the talking, with a natural blend of questions and answers;
  • Don’t focus on one topic for too long, and if your talk gravitates to another subject - let it.

Ending a Conversation Gracefully

Every fantastic conversation must eventually finish, so let the conversation you started go gracefully and with style. Don’t provide too much information or go on for half an hour about your common interests. You may feel obligated to continue forward, but why not leave on a great note with your companion wanting more?

Thank the other person for their time and let them know you’ve got something else to do, but you’d like to continue the conversation another time when it’s convenient for the both of you. Using the WiFi situation as an example, you could say, “I’m going to be late for a meeting, but I’d really like to check out the restaurant you mentioned. Perhaps we could continue this conversation there together later on in the week? What do you think?”

After you’ve exchanged contact information, smile and go off to do whatever it is that you’ve moved on to.

Make sure to look back just as you are leaving to smile again, acknowledging your newfound acquaintance and allowing them to feel just as special as you do for having met someone new.

Depression - how it affects sex and relationships
 
 
Written by Christine Webber, psychotherapist and lifecoach
 

 
 
© NetDoctor/Geir
Most people who are depressed lose interest in sex, but it's unlikely your partner's depression has anything to do with you.
 
Depression adversely affects every aspect of our lives - including our relationships.

When one partner is depressed, the relationship may suffer so badly that it doesn't survive.

In fact, a good relationship is very therapeutic for somebody with depression, because when we're really low we need love, support and closeness more than ever - even if we can't show it ourselves.

If your partner has depression

Depressed people usually feel withdrawn. They don't feel they can raise enough energy to pursue their normal routine or do things with the family, or even to notice when their partner is being attentive.

This can quickly lead you to feel you are in the way, or unwanted, or unloved. And it can be easy to misinterpret the low moods as hostility towards you, or signs that your partner wants to end the relationship.

On the other hand, you can also feel that somehow you may have caused the depressive illness. Things may seem so bad at home that you suspect your partner is having an affair.

This is all skewed thinking, but it's difficult to stay calm and confident when the person you thought you knew is acting strangely and appears to be so unhappy. However, it's normal to be upset by this situation.

Even if you're at your wits' end because your loved one has lost the ability to concentrate on what you're saying, or to raise a smile, or to appreciate any of the good moments in life, try to accept that all these things are part of the awful illness.

Sex and performance

We don't know nearly enough about the chemical changes that occur in the brain during depression. And little research has been done on how these changes affect sex.

From a clinical point of view, it's clear that a depressive illness tends to affect all the bodily systems, dislocating them and often slowing them down.

This effect is most marked with regard to sleep, which is invariably disrupted, and on any activity that requires verve, spontaneity and good co-ordination. That includes sex!

So most people who are depressed tend to lose interest in sex. Admittedly, this isn't always the case, and some depressed people manage to maintain normal sex lives - sometimes even finding that sex is the only thing that gives them comfort and reassurance.
  • In men, the general damping down of brain activity causes feelings of tiredness and hopelessness, which may be associated with loss of libido and erection problems.

  • In women, this diminished brain activity tends to be associated with lack of interest in sex, and very often with difficulty in reaching orgasm.

All these problems tend to diminish as the depressive illness gets better. Indeed, renewed interest in sex may be the first sign of recovery.

Sex and antidepressants

It's not just the illness that affects a person's sex-life - antidepressant medicines such as Prozac can interfere with sexual function.

One of the commonest side-effects is interference with the process of orgasm so it's delayed or doesn't occur at all. If this happens, ask the doctor about changing medication.

How depressed people can help themselves and their relationship

Some days will seem better than others. On your better days, try to make an effort to show love and appreciation to your partner.

  • Choose a code-word, for example the title of a favourite film, and use it with your partner to indicate that you'd love a cuddle, but you don't feel like sex.

  • Try to go for a walk every day, preferably with your partner. Walking not only gets you out in the fresh air, which will give you a bit of a lift, but like other forms of exercise it releases endorphins in the brain. These are 'happy' chemicals that rapidly elevate your mood.

  • Even on your worst days, try to spot happy moments like a bird singing or a new flower blooming in your garden. Try to train yourself to notice three of these heart-warming moments per day.

  • You may have an odd relationship with food while you're depressed (you could have little appetite or constantly comfort eat), but try to eat five pieces of fruit per day. This is a caring thing to do for yourself and is good for your physical and mental health.

  • Listen to music that matters to you.

  • Have faith that the depression will pass, and that you will enjoy your life again.

How to help your depressed partner
  • Don't keep saying that you understand what your partner is going through: you don't. Instead say: 'I can't know exactly how you're feeling, but I am trying very hard to understand and help.'

  • Most people who are depressed lose interest in sex. Try to remember that this loss of interest is probably not personal, but to do with the illness.

  • Don't despair. Some days you'll feel your love for your partner doesn't seem to make any difference to them at all. But hang on in there. Your love and constant support do have a big impact and can help persuade your partner of their value.

  • Do encourage your partner to get all the professional help available. Depression is not something to be stoically endured alone.

  • Remember: it's exactly as if your partner was recovering from a serious physical illness or from surgery. Give plenty of tender loving care and encourage them to rest and recuperate. And don't expect improvement to be rapid.

  • Do something nice for yourself. Being around a depressed person is very draining, so make sure you look after yourself. Have some time alone, or get out to a film or to see friends. Depressed people often want to stay home and do nothing, but if you do this too, you'll get terribly fed up.

  • Remember that this period in your life will pass - and that your partner is the same person underneath the depression as he or she was before.
 

Last updated 24.01.2005